Too many questions.

Why did I ever effin' leave my country?  Why did I put myself in this damn position?  Why do I continue to ask questions when really I have no answers to even begin to help myself?  I really feel like giving up today.  I'm not asking for your pity or your sympathy, I'm just pouring out all this garbage inside me that I simply can no longer deal with.  Broken friendships aren't easy to deal with, but sometimes that's just the way it's got to be. There are just too many things to name that aren't good right now. I'm looking for a job, but the only lead I got takes me out of my city. Relocation just seems like a lot right now, although I know I got the guts to do it.

This post is like word vomit all over a digital page.  Gross, I feel like I could just puke anyway. Music usually helps and it's doing nothing for me right now. I can't do this heart on my sleeve thing much longer, I'm just gonna end up turning into this bitter-hearted woman with permanent scar tissue around that thing which remotely resembles a soul. I really don't need to push all of the brightness away and that mirror in my spiritual being could use some polishing. Probably better idea to just start praying rather than blogging.

Walls | eL Seed

Most amazing art I've seen in a long time.

"Palestine"

"Tradition and Modernity"

Walls | eL Seed

Can you lie to yourself?

Once again life has decided to yank on the reigns and say, "Hey! Look! You're being out of control and this needs to stop. Also, stop being an idiot and start taking care of yourself!"  I just wish I would have listened when the gentle polite pulling started in March.  Instead, I ignored it all and just tried to convince myself that I would be ok. Yes, yes we all know hindsight is 20/20.  But the consequences are effin' hurtful sometimes.

Lesson learned: BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH YOURSELF FROM THE ONSET.

I have the awful habit of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I trust too easily, I am all in or nothing at all... but rarely is it nothing at all.  I don't play games, I am real from the beginning.  I see myself just flipping the pages constantly, it's a vicious cycle.  Reliance on God should truly be what I am striving for, not acceptance or love.  Service to Him and humanity should be in the forefront of my mind.  Yet, I know that I can't be of service if I am dealing with all these other issues.  Sometimes, you just gotta figure out the drama and understand your own priorities and beliefs before you go out and help other people.  A wise lady once told me that sometimes women get the mother syndrome, we just want to help others and make sure everyone is cared for, but we got to remember to put that oxygen mask on ourselves before we help others.

It's about the journey sometimes and that means that it's all about the learning.  It's good to remind oneself that every single day.  Take it day by day.  Love for the sake of love and not oneself.  The ego should become smaller and fade each day.  It's about accountability. It's about time to grow.

What is love?

How can one know when they are beating a dead horse?  Probably once you notice that stiff attitude of self hate and exhausting expression of pain on your own face. Those are the tell tale signs of heart break and honesty.  I'm notorious for just running away when life gets rough, a unwanted trait inherited through a life experience that wasn't always the most confronting. Maybe that's why I'm so in love with The Civil Wars and their sad melodies along with the adorable southern tinge.  It seems better to drown oneself in piano, guitar and sullen voices than to actually face the reality of life.  None the less, as soon as that iPod is turned off and I step out of my little 1991 bimmer into the sunlight of the speeding life of materialism, relationships, and blinding realism, I understand that I can't just walk this path alone. Yes, my happiness matters, but not as much as my faith.  If my faith is suffering, it is my eternal soul which suffers most, not my self.  The self is so insignificant.  I want my soul to rejoice and be happy and if that means I gotta stay in my home, then I gotta stay.  But that said, I really don't need to break hearts along the way.

Sometimes one falls into love fast and hard only to understand later that it wasn't the best way of doing things.  Love does hurt and it's not easy.  It takes lots of time and energy and isn't contained in some box hidden instead your body.  It's a spiritual quality that is limitless.  It is something that is not attached to anyone or anything.  It's nothing that can be describe except as a quality of God. Man can attempt to understand it, but will always fall short.  It takes an everlasting striving endeavor to attain the true quality of love.  And if I can just continue on that path with a striving attitude and a posture of learning, I hope that those hardships I encounter better the lives of those involved rather than damage them.  That's my only prayer tonight.

Difficult Expression

I just need to clear my head. So, through the inspiration of an amazing lyricist, Grieves, I decided to explore a more rhythmic way of writing.  I'm also brought back to the beautiful poetry of a dear friend, Mary Barghout.  She truly is one of the most amazing souls I have ever met.  The following poem was sent to me via e-mail in early March 2011 after the revolution in Egypt.  I hope that with some honest effort I could write like she does one day.

Egypt as defined by American viewers

You are only what I want from you.

You are only the trinkets
I want to buy.
So present me with icons and
historic materials.

You are only the history
that sparks my interest.
So delight me with
gold and Pharaohs.

You are only valube
when you hold my esteem.

You are only present
when I think of you.
Your Cairo only exists when
I watch news of you.

You are simple because
I do not want
to have to
contemplate your complexities.

You are
because  I am there to witness.

You are for me to sample
you are for me to judge
you are for me to complement
or to disengage.

You give me visual stimulus
Pyramids and comely women
so I can give you funding.

The nile flowed into the world,
so I could rent a felucca to
ride in.

You are the spectacle
I am the audience.

I am therefore, you are.

You are finished when I
stop paying attention.

Maybe my glance will shift now.
and by my looking I will create

Ghana,
Sudan,
Libya.

They cannot be, unless I create them.

Bittersweet

So, this video has stimulated a lot of feelings inside me. Some incredibly awesome and others not so enjoyable. I know you all may think I'm soul-less if I said that one second of this intensely adorable wedding could make me feel bad, but why not watch the twelve and a half minutes (which is all completely 100% true and not acted out in anyway) and then listen to my explanation.

A little background info... this is a friend of a friend of a friend's wedding.  The couple are each Baha'i and the beautiful writings that were read and the prayers that were sung (which can be found in the full version of their wedding video which includes the ceremony) are from the Baha'i Writings. The single vow to be officially married in the Baha'i Faith is, 

We will all, verily, abide by the Will of God.

I'm sure I could write an entire post on that sentence alone, but for today I will only leave a short thought. Those words are a wonderful promise that makes a relationship so inline with God's path, and not your own, that if your intentions are pure and you pour all of your soul into those words, your marriage can be nothing but blessed.

It was a dear friend of mine along with her darling/somewhat strange fascination with it's beauty, who shared this video with me.  But when I watched it, I couldn't take it all in, it was all just too much. Too much happy.  I felt overwhelmed and a little bit jealous and most of all confused.  Why can something so beautiful stir up such intense feelings? I have felt like marriage as been appearing in almost everything around me.  My friends and their stories about themselves and their friends, pictures and posts on Facebook, television, movies, music, my age and that "stage" in life... EVERYTHING. All in all, personally I love the idea of marriage, the eternal partnership that you have with someone, a bond that is like no other, the bud of a new family on that ridiculously large redwood of life.

But, why the feelings of discontent?  This is still a blurry mystery to me. However, I spoke about some of these awkward emotions with my other half and I gotta say that he really helped me sort some things out.  In the end, I think that if you find nothing but encouragement and patience from the one you love, you most definitely can actively strive together for a lifetime.

Blessings in disguise

I'm pretty sure that nothing will make me happy.  Living in Jordan was awesome until it bummed me out. Visiting home made me ecstatic until I had to leave behind the BF and his family, I came into America bawling my eyes out.  Then, I see my dad, my friends, people I love and my heart fills with joy... only until it comes crashing down in a pile of broken computers, crappy cell phones, unidentified illness and an injured kitty.  I'm just discouraged and watching the news doesn't help.  I wanted this vacation to be rejuvenating, relaxing, refreshing and I feel as if it's all the opposite.  I miss my Jordanian home, my Jordanian family and yet I just wish I could transplant a Target store to Amman to put a huge smile on my face.

I must remind myself that just can't happen and believe it or not, these difficulties and tests are magnificent blessings.  They teach.  They teach so much! They teach patience and appreciation. They teach love and kindness. They allow for growth and understanding. How bountiful! I know I can't have everything, but if I can have at least something, I'll be more than blessed. Let's all remind ourselves of that.  I know that I need some help with it sometimes. So hey, human family, how about we band together and remember that we can learn from everything.