Naw Ruz

It's Naw Ruz! Happy Naw Ruz to all my friends around the world :) How else can I say that I'm completely blessed and thankful for everything in my life besides thanking God for providing me with it all?  I am so happy to have come to a place in my life that I can recognize that renewal is a concept that every soul needs to recognize. Without the ability to revitalize your spirit, one will always be holding onto something that is longer there.  Whether it is a positive attribute or a negative one, life is a process that is progressing and should not be entirely considered based on past thoughts, not an understanding through learning from the past. Today should have been the time to reflect, learn, and plan! Here I go!

The Fast of Heart, Mind, Soul, and Body

Fasting has begun!  There is so much different this fasting season than the year before.  First, obviously I'm not in my hometown with all the familiar friends and faces that light up my life in the states.  Although, I got some pretty good ones in company now (I am blessed.), but it continues to be a struggle to start from a new place.  I set out on my journey across seas to find my path of service to humanity and instead I am finding out what humility true means.  The self can not be even an inkling in your mind when you want to do something for mankind.  I have learned that I must burn away those veils between myself and God with passion and prayer and focus on the Kingdom we are all here to build.

For others personal written and photographic reflection on each of the nineteen days of The Fast, please take a quick peek at http://nineteendays.wordpress.com/ . You'll enjoy it. I promise.

The friends that were helping building the foundation of my faith are people I hold so dear to my heart, but in the same time it's time to put on the hat of project manager and take true ownership of who I am.  I love learning with others, it's such a great way of exploring ourselves and discovering the hidden gems that we all possess. There are so many things in life you could never manage to find without the help of others - that great tea bar in that small part of town, or the great view from a hill you've never had the chance to see, but most important is to be  reflective.

At times, I get to a point where I become so comfortable with someone that I wear my heart on my sleeve. All my emotions are game for expression.  What a bad habit to start.  I have learned that sometimes who must keep things to oneself for reflection between you and God.  When you can find that one friend to open up to, you can express your opinion free of judgement, that's when you know you found a best friend for life.  So much growth occurs between friends, so much spiritual renewal and understanding... and what a better time to expand these relationships than during The Fast?  So potent a time, so special the days, it's limited and we must learn to take hold of every minute of it and experience it.

Beauty in The Hidden

It has been far too long since I have posted on this blog!  Over a month ago, I wrote my last purge of heart and a lot has happened. I have settled into my new job, but it has created some difficulties.  I don't think my supervisors think I could ever overcome these "issues" or maybe they just don't care to talk to me to see if I have overcame already.  There is one skill I have learned and that is to just take everything out of the mouth of someone from the UK with a grain of salt.  It's amazing the gap of cultural understanding even between western cultures.  At least I have learned a lot about myself and my own faults through teaching.  I love my first grade class and all that I teach them! I have found out a lot about my strengths and even more about my faults.  It's all really just a huge lesson in trial and error.

The gorgeous valley of Wadi Shitta

I've gotten sick a few times in the last month, mostly due to the over exposure to children and the fact that I don't have the immunity of a Jordanian.  Being sick in a foreign country without your family is really tough.  It makes me pine for Minnesota like no other.

Aside from physical illness, I am learning that Jordanian's beauty is really hidden in its wadis and small farm villages.  Mohammad has been the best tour guide showing me Wadi Shitta (Rain Valley) and Iraq Al-Amir.  Both are breath taking places. But it should be noted that  I felt something incredibly spiritual in Wadi Shitta.  I asked around and heard that it was known for it's pottery in biblical times, perhaps some of the prophets stops through the area during their travels?  Regardless, the feeling which overwhelmed my heart and soul paralleled to the spirituality I felt while living in Bethlehem in the summer of 2009.

Ancient palace in Iraq Al-Amir

Iraq Al-Amir was a very small farming village... but it's unique.  It has an old castle there and a few caves created in the Ammonite period (that's like 200 BCE - crazy old!).  I love that I have someone in my life that thinks my random, detailed and particular questions are insane but still listens to them.  Mohammad will stand there at the edge of an ancient palace's compound and ponder about how a once ancient town was probably built just outside the rock wall that lined the property.  The townspeople probably lived here, and the cemetery could have been over there, and from the caves in the side of the mountain were probably for torture (I mean, we are in the middle east right?), and that pigeon house several meters away was for there old messaging service to neighboring villages.  It's pretty awesome to just imagine a world you have no knowledge about just like you're 8 years old again playing in the backyard.

We also spent at least 10 minutes talking about how awesome it would be to have a time machine to be able to know what this place was like instead of relying on our ridiculous child-like assumptions.  Or a device that would be like a real life rewind button where you could just hit a button and stand there watching how time has changed the land around you  But I think my favorite part of our Friday day-trips are the stories Mohammad tells me about his father and how he came to know about the little hidden treasures of Jordan.  How he and his father would go out driving together and discover the places then bring the rest of his siblings the next weekend.  Maybe my favorite part of this particular adventure was the fact that when we drove up to the bagillion year old building, we're greeted by 4 old men just sitting around their pick up and how the old sheikh with the Jordanian keffeyeh around his head as the one key to the metal gate on the front of the 2,200 year old stones.  As we were leaving 5 or 6 shabbab (young guys) were sitting at the exit as we were leaving just to see something different for once.

So, I've had some really amazing experiences here in Jordan the last month.  I really love how this post originally was going to be purely about how I really think I want to go home this summer and stay there turned into me pouring out my heart about how much I love it here.  This whole living abroad thing is an effin' roller coaster, man.

Blogging Therapy

I decided that affiliating my real name to this blog might have not been the best idea ever.  I wish I could be more anonymous in order to have real blogging therapy.  Yet, this was the route I chose so I must deal with the outcome.

Am I inadequate? Probs. Or maybe not at all... we were all made with the ability to do literally anything and everything we need to do.  The universe is folded up inside my soul right? Yep... why abase myself? Because sometimes on cloudy rainy days when your stomach makes weird noises, a person tends to be a Debby Downer.

Can't love just leave me alone for a minute? I'm young, impressionable, and lonely.  I feel like Jordanian culture pushed me into a trap of longing for a relationship, which makes for innocent victims and broken hearts.  When there are people in your life you can see yourself building a family with, a life, happiness you don't want to just pass by, but at the same time you don't want to try and build that when you aren't ready for it.  I don't know where I will be in on January 1st, 2012.  How can I plan that with someone?  I don't even know where I'll be next summer - I hope it's home.  I hope it's also filled with a sense of purpose and accomplishment, but I can't say that I feel very accomplished now.

I'm supposed to be here and active in service and instead I'm inactive in everything accept trying to learn how to be a 50 five and six year olds' teacher. Which really, I'm so blessed to even have the chance to do!  I want to be a teacher and a path has opened that has enabled me to do it... what more could I ask for?  The stress and everything else is difficult, yeah, but just the chance to educate little ones makes me so full of joy.  It makes all the other stupid mistakes seem meaningless.

I have decided that determination means a lot and steadfastness means even more.  These tests and challenges are such blessings and provoke so much learning.  Alhamdulillah! I am so blessed.  I just now ask for a little more guidance and support so I can turn these tests into a path of service and prayerful action.

Understanding My Realization

I wish I had something interesting to post about but I feel like I am finally settling down and nothing is happening in my life.  Yet, I know that is somewhat completely untrue.  There are things happening everyday, all the time.  Even as I sit here in my apartment living room, I can hear the mis-happenings of the boys school next door - see there are things happening, even if we don't see them.

So, what am I doing in Jordan? So far it feels like I am only complaining about missing home and the crazy stressed out life of being a KG2 and Grade 1 teacher to the "privileged" children of Jordan.  What happened to my service? Well, I don't know how to be of service here. My Arabic knowledge is sub-par and continues to get worse - why haven't I become active getting a tutor?  (Goal this week: post want ads for an 3amiya tutor with regular meetings and forced conversation.) I am going to start Ruhi Book 3 soon, which will make me feel like I am doing something - hopefully I can put together an English children's class. Yes! Combining spiritual education with English language education is right up my alley.

In the end, I am beginning to look at service differently here in Amman. Of course there is a need to build study circles, Jr. Youth groups, children's classes and the like, but there is also a need to just be a good example - to meet your neighbors, socialize with them, deepen the conversations you have with them and be well... different.  This culture is beautiful but it is sometimes stained with materialism, flattery, and dishonesty.  I want to be a person that is teaching kids and engaging them in their education within a system that shovels information in their head like it's an overstuffed suitcase makes this quite challenging.  It took takes a toll on one's spirit and I learned that reflecting that light more clearly everyday can be service.  I want to work on that type of service also, it's just as important.  It's just as needed.

Top Five

So, what can I blog about this week? With a ridiculous amount of free time on my hands, I honestly don't know what to do with myself in Amman.  My Christmas was decent, but uneventful. (Well, I take that back. Being surprised with a gift of a real live cat was an event, but one I didn't know how to handle. Let's just say the cat isn't in my apartment and I can't commit to take of one for the next 15-20 years.)  My American BFF returned home to Winona, Minnesota in hopes of a white Christmas surrounded by friends and family - yeah you can color me green.  We became pretty close over the last three, almost four months and I am going to miss her like all heck.  She was the one I went to with anything and was always willing to listen. Besides that, sometimes she made me look not-so-bad when she would pour her heart out to me about living in the Middle East and how blondes just don't integrate well.  Now, here I sit in my bed in my two bedroom apartment in Amman while my roommate is in Irbid visiting her family without much to do but a new knitting project.  Oh, don't let me forget to tell you about the paint set, canvas, brushes and paper I got as my make-up gift - AMAZING. I'll probs just paint the empty lot across the street from my window, it depicts Jordan so well.

In reflection of all this pouting, I complied a top five list of things (in no particular order) I miss the most from home while chatting with a friend this morning:

That's right I took a senior high school portrait (2004) with my bimmer.

1. My car
Oh you little 1984 or 1991 (depending on the day) Bimmer with your adorable double headlights and kidney bean grill, how I miss you! You toted me around town with so much pride and dependability. Not to mention convenience, and if I was back in 1994 I'm sure I would look baller also.  I now realize and completely understand the awesomeness of having a car and a good one at that. Amman is not kind to pedestrians, bikers, or the public transit commuter.

2. Hometown friends
Oh gosh the hilarities of American friends are just so special in their own right. The humor that is mutually understood is probably what really makes me homesick.  Why can't It's Always Sunny make sense to everyone here?  Or why can't I just have a morning hang out session? Hey, American friends! I just wanted to say I miss you!

What more could a girl ask for but the best superstore ever?

3. Target
How can one NOT love Target, especially Super Target? It's far superior to Safeway, Carrefour or Cozmo!  Screw WalMart - Target is where it's at! With it's fashionable, yet affordable clothing, fresh produce, the best brands of make-up and not to mention all the home stuff  (I always ends up spending $50 on just clearance items), one can not deny the genius of this store. I swear that if anyone of you Jordanian residents to visit Target just one time, you'd fall in love.

4. My Dad's ridiculous made up words
Koot Waddler, grundles, grindage, elroy, la-zag-nah, Mac and D's, Wendle's, Bemkins - just to name a few. I love my Dad and his adoration for cars, B movies, Davanni's pizza, Coca-Cola, and vocabulary.  I miss all of this even more because there is no American even remotely understanding of his humor, never mind a Jordanian.  I love him and think he's one of the most hilarious people ever.  This is just one of the thousands of reasons I am attempting to convince him to visit Amman this spring - any other suggestions on how to persuade him?


5. Salt water taffy
This just doesn't exist in Jordan. MA FEE. There is none. It's not here.  It's not even in Safeway or Cozmo grocery stores.  I love it - especially the blue ones... and Ick! I am not a fan of the yellow banana flavor.  One of the best candies EVER (and I really like candy).

Shaping Perspective

I have been lacking inspiration for a blog post for quite some time. It's been incredibly too long since my last update and a lot has made my life busy.  A new apartment, new job, and the beginning of bummin' out because my closest friend in Amman leaving to return to Minnesota in less than a week. So, I put it out there on Facebook for suggestions of topics to write about.  The best reply out of two was from my high school English teacher, who was probably the only teacher I admired and always was disappointed I didn't meet her until my senior year.  She suggested I write about three people who vastly changed my perspective. I thought to make a few categories: friend, spiritual, and other. Here I go:

1) Afsaneh Zaeri.  I met her in early 2009 on a study abroad program to Amman, Jordan. She was in my Arabic classes, which I found to be an instant clan of American students that suffered the long process of learning a language so complete, precise, and encapsulating that a mind raised in American English finds it near impossible to learn.  She would arrive late about 50% of the time, but always with a smile on her face. And not because she thought she could get away with being late, but because she was just genuinely happy.  Our friendship continued after we returned to the states and become a spiritual sisterhood.  I have learned so much from her brilliant soul: humility, love, service are just a few to name.  We have had conversations that have changed my attitude towards the world and how I live in it. She introduced me to one of the greatest gifts I know: the passion I have to seek truth.  I still remember that day during my first fast and we sat together with another great friend in a church in Minneapolis after visiting a very special spot.  It was that day that inspired a change in my perspective that could have never be created in another way.  I learned so much about life and what my role is to be.  I discovered so much about what it means to have true spiritual friends that are rooted deeper than any other relationship I have ever had.

2) Abdul Baha'.  He was the first central figure of the Baha'i Faith that I read.  I read his talks in America and then in Paris.  I feel completely in love with every word.  I was enlightened to know that a faith could grasp these concepts of oneness of humanity, oneness of religion, and oneness of God.  All the concepts he spoke about I already agreed with, I was hooked.  I wanted to learn more and more, read more and more, be more and more.  My journey to find the truth was already ignited in Amman and now after reading Abdul Baha's writings, I was surely on my path to find it.  It took ego out of the picture and put me in a place where I was a part of something larger than myself.  My life isn't about my success or failure, it's about how I can contribute to the progression of the unity of mankind.  I am a servant to a cause greater than the human race has ever known before.

3) Palestine. Now, I know Palestine is not a person, but it isn't just a place either.  It's a feeling, an understanding, an experience, a soul rejuvenating aroma.  The days I spent in Bethlehem made my heart fill with a joy that I have never thought I could know before.  I describe it simply like this, "With each step my soul rejoiced.  Each time my foot hit the ground in Palestine, my soul overflowed with happiness, love, compassion, mercy, and understanding."  Living two and a half short months there made me long for a chance to return and drown in the amazing beauty that is the Holy Land.  Each city allowed my spirit to obtain a different quality.  Haifa, Nazareth, Bethlehem, Jerusalem, Yaffa, the Galilee, Jericho... each made my self become re-born into a person with more capacity to learn. I would do just about anything that can expand mine or others' capacity.

There are a few more people that come to mind when I think about this idea.  Who shaped my perspective on life?  I think I could write about least 2 or 3 more entries describing 3 people each time.  I love learning about people and having those conversations that are deeper than the average, "How are you? How is your work?" I love to grow with friends, it's probably my favorite thing to do. EVER.