Balance, faith, and love

Yeah, I know it's too late to start writing at 10:15pm, but here I am breaking all the rules at an attempt to try to center myself... here I go.

Lately, the topic of conversation in my life as been about faith.  Now, I'm not just speaking about faith as in religion, but the word "faith" as loyalty, faith as sincerity, faith as firm belief.  Here's how Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines it:

Definition of FAITH

1

a : allegiance to duty or a person : loyaltyb (1) : fidelity to one's promises (2) : sincerity of intentions

2

a (1) : belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2) : belief in the traditional doctrines of a religionb (1) : firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2): complete trust

3

: something that is believed especially with strong conviction; especially : a system of religious beliefs

The words echo in my mind, "loyalty... sincerity... belief..."

They just continue to repeat, never really fading away.  I have become guilty, so so guilty about the role of faith in my life (or lack thereof).  What does it mean?  How can I practice better faith? How can I truly be a strong individual with steadfast faith?  I want that! I desire that! I strive to become FAITHFUL.  But just merely thinking about that isn't going to help me achieve my desires or goals.  It isn't going to bring me to a place where I feel like for once I'm not afraid to conquer all that I fear with my limitless faith. So, I decided to pray more, to talk more, to study more.  All of which includes setting aside time, borrowing a Quran, and understanding really what it means to be "clean".

Above all, I wanted to continue this journey with someone close to me, someone I plan to grow old with, share a life with, someone I love.  And the more I want to deepen my faith and converse about these precious topics the more I feel it splits us apart.  I feel the wedge get pushed in a little deeper and it pains me to even try to attempt to talk about it.  That's the last thing I wanted to happen.  In fact, I wanted the exact opposite to be achieved.  I wanted to grow closer, to become wiser together.  I wanted to develop a spiritual relationship with this special person, how can I do that when every conversation ends in frustration, anger, and confusion?

I'm starting to think that this might just have to be a personal journey.  A journey that is between me and God and no one else.  I don't want to feel guilty for exploring other religions, beliefs and understands.  I don't want to feel as if I am going back on a decision I made.  What I do want is to feel like I am truly investigating and striving to find the truth.  This path of service seems empty, but I think I am here in this land for a reason, and not just, "hayk".  I hope it becomes more evident each day and the path is made clear for me.  I am reminded of a beautiful Baha'i prayer,

"O Lord, my God, open thou the door, provide the means, make safe the path, prepare the way. Verily tho art The Help In Peril, The Self-Subsisting. Ya Baha'u'l'Abha."

And it is these words that I start my new day with, in hope and faith that I may continue my search for the truth.