I'm pretty sure that nothing will make me happy. Living in Jordan was awesome until it bummed me out. Visiting home made me ecstatic until I had to leave behind the BF and his family, I came into America bawling my eyes out. Then, I see my dad, my friends, people I love and my heart fills with joy... only until it comes crashing down in a pile of broken computers, crappy cell phones, unidentified illness and an injured kitty. I'm just discouraged and watching the news doesn't help. I wanted this vacation to be rejuvenating, relaxing, refreshing and I feel as if it's all the opposite. I miss my Jordanian home, my Jordanian family and yet I just wish I could transplant a Target store to Amman to put a huge smile on my face.
I must remind myself that just can't happen and believe it or not, these difficulties and tests are magnificent blessings. They teach. They teach so much! They teach patience and appreciation. They teach love and kindness. They allow for growth and understanding. How bountiful! I know I can't have everything, but if I can have at least something, I'll be more than blessed. Let's all remind ourselves of that. I know that I need some help with it sometimes. So hey, human family, how about we band together and remember that we can learn from everything.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
The Emotional Divide
As I look at my empty shearling slippers under my vanity, I think about where they came from. A holiday sale at an Eddie Bauer store in Des Moines, Iowa, USA. Wow, I have definitely come a long way from there as the start of engagement plans enters my vocabulary. I think to myself, "If I am dating an Palestinian-Muslim guy now, my dad can't be so mad if he seemed totally OK with me dating a 8 years older divorcee". I was too young then to truly to understand the reality of the situation. So, how can I even fathom to understand the reality of my situation now?
Hindsight is 20/20. You can always look back and understand better the world than you ever could when you're actually there, living it. Was going to university my first year out of high school the best idea? No. Was going to Chicago that first year and spending way too much in borrowed money a good idea? No. Was taking 5 years to graduate with a BA a good idea? No. Was dating those guys, falling in and out of love, and having a long distance romance a good idea? No. I could say all these things were not good ideas, but in the end did they give me indispensable knowledge to make me a better human being? Yes.
A few close people to me would probably not like that I am writing about my relationships or romance on a blog. Yet,at the end of the day this is a part of who I am and how I grew to be me. Love isn't just about calling your crush on the phone when you're 16 and hanging up when he says hello. It's about the trial and error to know what you think love and commitment means at age 16, 19, 21, and again at 23 - and it doesn't end there. Yes, I'm still amazingly young, but I'm also just plain amazing. I think I should be looked at as a beautiful, intellectual and rational young woman instead of a "watch your back" fragile feminine creature. It's important to know that experiences teach. It allows for the opportunity to grow and learn, without them it's near impossible for me to express my opinions or feelings in an elevated matter.
I am thankful for my education in understanding and my ever growing knowledge that is deepened by experience and study. But emotions are not something you can comprehend through reading, you need to feel them, react to them, move past them. It is about interaction. I ask this question to myself a lot while living in the Middle East, "How can women and men expect to build a society of equality, progress and justice when most of their lives are still lived separately?" And I sit and ponder without ever coming up with a decent enough explanation. I think it takes far longer than I think to create an answer for that one.
Hindsight is 20/20. You can always look back and understand better the world than you ever could when you're actually there, living it. Was going to university my first year out of high school the best idea? No. Was going to Chicago that first year and spending way too much in borrowed money a good idea? No. Was taking 5 years to graduate with a BA a good idea? No. Was dating those guys, falling in and out of love, and having a long distance romance a good idea? No. I could say all these things were not good ideas, but in the end did they give me indispensable knowledge to make me a better human being? Yes.
A few close people to me would probably not like that I am writing about my relationships or romance on a blog. Yet,at the end of the day this is a part of who I am and how I grew to be me. Love isn't just about calling your crush on the phone when you're 16 and hanging up when he says hello. It's about the trial and error to know what you think love and commitment means at age 16, 19, 21, and again at 23 - and it doesn't end there. Yes, I'm still amazingly young, but I'm also just plain amazing. I think I should be looked at as a beautiful, intellectual and rational young woman instead of a "watch your back" fragile feminine creature. It's important to know that experiences teach. It allows for the opportunity to grow and learn, without them it's near impossible for me to express my opinions or feelings in an elevated matter.
I am thankful for my education in understanding and my ever growing knowledge that is deepened by experience and study. But emotions are not something you can comprehend through reading, you need to feel them, react to them, move past them. It is about interaction. I ask this question to myself a lot while living in the Middle East, "How can women and men expect to build a society of equality, progress and justice when most of their lives are still lived separately?" And I sit and ponder without ever coming up with a decent enough explanation. I think it takes far longer than I think to create an answer for that one.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Balance, faith, and love
Yeah, I know it's too late to start writing at 10:15pm, but here I am breaking all the rules at an attempt to try to center myself... here I go.
Lately, the topic of conversation in my life as been about faith. Now, I'm not just speaking about faith as in religion, but the word "faith" as loyalty, faith as sincerity, faith as firm belief. Here's how Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines it:
The words echo in my mind, "loyalty... sincerity... belief..."
They just continue to repeat, never really fading away. I have become guilty, so so guilty about the role of faith in my life (or lack thereof). What does it mean? How can I practice better faith? How can I truly be a strong individual with steadfast faith? I want that! I desire that! I strive to become FAITHFUL. But just merely thinking about that isn't going to help me achieve my desires or goals. It isn't going to bring me to a place where I feel like for once I'm not afraid to conquer all that I fear with my limitless faith. So, I decided to pray more, to talk more, to study more. All of which includes setting aside time, borrowing a Quran, and understanding really what it means to be "clean".
Above all, I wanted to continue this journey with someone close to me, someone I plan to grow old with, share a life with, someone I love. And the more I want to deepen my faith and converse about these precious topics the more I feel it splits us apart. I feel the wedge get pushed in a little deeper and it pains me to even try to attempt to talk about it. That's the last thing I wanted to happen. In fact, I wanted the exact opposite to be achieved. I wanted to grow closer, to become wiser together. I wanted to develop a spiritual relationship with this special person, how can I do that when every conversation ends in frustration, anger, and confusion?
I'm starting to think that this might just have to be a personal journey. A journey that is between me and God and no one else. I don't want to feel guilty for exploring other religions, beliefs and understands. I don't want to feel as if I am going back on a decision I made. What I do want is to feel like I am truly investigating and striving to find the truth. This path of service seems empty, but I think I am here in this land for a reason, and not just, "hayk". I hope it becomes more evident each day and the path is made clear for me. I am reminded of a beautiful Baha'i prayer,
And it is these words that I start my new day with, in hope and faith that I may continue my search for the truth.
Lately, the topic of conversation in my life as been about faith. Now, I'm not just speaking about faith as in religion, but the word "faith" as loyalty, faith as sincerity, faith as firm belief. Here's how Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines it:
Definition of FAITH
1
2
a (1) : belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2) : belief in the traditional doctrines of a religionb (1) : firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2): complete trust
3
: something that is believed especially with strong conviction; especially : a system of religious beliefs
The words echo in my mind, "loyalty... sincerity... belief..."
They just continue to repeat, never really fading away. I have become guilty, so so guilty about the role of faith in my life (or lack thereof). What does it mean? How can I practice better faith? How can I truly be a strong individual with steadfast faith? I want that! I desire that! I strive to become FAITHFUL. But just merely thinking about that isn't going to help me achieve my desires or goals. It isn't going to bring me to a place where I feel like for once I'm not afraid to conquer all that I fear with my limitless faith. So, I decided to pray more, to talk more, to study more. All of which includes setting aside time, borrowing a Quran, and understanding really what it means to be "clean".
Above all, I wanted to continue this journey with someone close to me, someone I plan to grow old with, share a life with, someone I love. And the more I want to deepen my faith and converse about these precious topics the more I feel it splits us apart. I feel the wedge get pushed in a little deeper and it pains me to even try to attempt to talk about it. That's the last thing I wanted to happen. In fact, I wanted the exact opposite to be achieved. I wanted to grow closer, to become wiser together. I wanted to develop a spiritual relationship with this special person, how can I do that when every conversation ends in frustration, anger, and confusion?
I'm starting to think that this might just have to be a personal journey. A journey that is between me and God and no one else. I don't want to feel guilty for exploring other religions, beliefs and understands. I don't want to feel as if I am going back on a decision I made. What I do want is to feel like I am truly investigating and striving to find the truth. This path of service seems empty, but I think I am here in this land for a reason, and not just, "hayk". I hope it becomes more evident each day and the path is made clear for me. I am reminded of a beautiful Baha'i prayer,
"O Lord, my God, open thou the door, provide the means, make safe the path, prepare the way. Verily tho art The Help In Peril, The Self-Subsisting. Ya Baha'u'l'Abha."
And it is these words that I start my new day with, in hope and faith that I may continue my search for the truth.
The Slow Mo Guys - Droplet Collisions at 5000fps
This may make me the nerdiest person ever, but honestly I was thoroughly impressed by the magic of something so simple. God created some radical things and the fact that we now can witness it with the help of a camera that shoots 5,000 frames per second, has made me realize how amazing His creation truly is. Check it out!
Monday, March 21, 2011
Naw Ruz
It's Naw Ruz! Happy Naw Ruz to all my friends around the world :) How else can I say that I'm completely blessed and thankful for everything in my life besides thanking God for providing me with it all? I am so happy to have come to a place in my life that I can recognize that renewal is a concept that every soul needs to recognize. Without the ability to revitalize your spirit, one will always be holding onto something that is longer there. Whether it is a positive attribute or a negative one, life is a process that is progressing and should not be entirely considered based on past thoughts, not an understanding through learning from the past. Today should have been the time to reflect, learn, and plan! Here I go!
Friday, March 4, 2011
The Fast of Heart, Mind, Soul, and Body
Fasting has begun! There is so much different this fasting season than the year before. First, obviously I'm not in my hometown with all the familiar friends and faces that light up my life in the states. Although, I got some pretty good ones in company now (I am blessed.), but it continues to be a struggle to start from a new place. I set out on my journey across seas to find my path of service to humanity and instead I am finding out what humility true means. The self can not be even an inkling in your mind when you want to do something for mankind. I have learned that I must burn away those veils between myself and God with passion and prayer and focus on the Kingdom we are all here to build.
For others personal written and photographic reflection on each of the nineteen days of The Fast, please take a quick peek at http://nineteendays.wordpress.com/ . You'll enjoy it. I promise.
The friends that were helping building the foundation of my faith are people I hold so dear to my heart, but in the same time it's time to put on the hat of project manager and take true ownership of who I am. I love learning with others, it's such a great way of exploring ourselves and discovering the hidden gems that we all possess. There are so many things in life you could never manage to find without the help of others - that great tea bar in that small part of town, or the great view from a hill you've never had the chance to see, but most important is to be reflective.
At times, I get to a point where I become so comfortable with someone that I wear my heart on my sleeve. All my emotions are game for expression. What a bad habit to start. I have learned that sometimes who must keep things to oneself for reflection between you and God. When you can find that one friend to open up to, you can express your opinion free of judgement, that's when you know you found a best friend for life. So much growth occurs between friends, so much spiritual renewal and understanding... and what a better time to expand these relationships than during The Fast? So potent a time, so special the days, it's limited and we must learn to take hold of every minute of it and experience it.
For others personal written and photographic reflection on each of the nineteen days of The Fast, please take a quick peek at http://nineteendays.wordpress.com/ . You'll enjoy it. I promise.
The friends that were helping building the foundation of my faith are people I hold so dear to my heart, but in the same time it's time to put on the hat of project manager and take true ownership of who I am. I love learning with others, it's such a great way of exploring ourselves and discovering the hidden gems that we all possess. There are so many things in life you could never manage to find without the help of others - that great tea bar in that small part of town, or the great view from a hill you've never had the chance to see, but most important is to be reflective.
At times, I get to a point where I become so comfortable with someone that I wear my heart on my sleeve. All my emotions are game for expression. What a bad habit to start. I have learned that sometimes who must keep things to oneself for reflection between you and God. When you can find that one friend to open up to, you can express your opinion free of judgement, that's when you know you found a best friend for life. So much growth occurs between friends, so much spiritual renewal and understanding... and what a better time to expand these relationships than during The Fast? So potent a time, so special the days, it's limited and we must learn to take hold of every minute of it and experience it.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Beauty in The Hidden
It has been far too long since I have posted on this blog! Over a month ago, I wrote my last purge of heart and a lot has happened. I have settled into my new job, but it has created some difficulties. I don't think my supervisors think I could ever overcome these "issues" or maybe they just don't care to talk to me to see if I have overcame already. There is one skill I have learned and that is to just take everything out of the mouth of someone from the UK with a grain of salt. It's amazing the gap of cultural understanding even between western cultures. At least I have learned a lot about myself and my own faults through teaching. I love my first grade class and all that I teach them! I have found out a lot about my strengths and even more about my faults. It's all really just a huge lesson in trial and error.
I've gotten sick a few times in the last month, mostly due to the over exposure to children and the fact that I don't have the immunity of a Jordanian. Being sick in a foreign country without your family is really tough. It makes me pine for Minnesota like no other.
Aside from physical illness, I am learning that Jordanian's beauty is really hidden in its wadis and small farm villages. Mohammad has been the best tour guide showing me Wadi Shitta (Rain Valley) and Iraq Al-Amir. Both are breath taking places. But it should be noted that I felt something incredibly spiritual in Wadi Shitta. I asked around and heard that it was known for it's pottery in biblical times, perhaps some of the prophets stops through the area during their travels? Regardless, the feeling which overwhelmed my heart and soul paralleled to the spirituality I felt while living in Bethlehem in the summer of 2009.
Iraq Al-Amir was a very small farming village... but it's unique. It has an old castle there and a few caves created in the Ammonite period (that's like 200 BCE - crazy old!). I love that I have someone in my life that thinks my random, detailed and particular questions are insane but still listens to them. Mohammad will stand there at the edge of an ancient palace's compound and ponder about how a once ancient town was probably built just outside the rock wall that lined the property. The townspeople probably lived here, and the cemetery could have been over there, and from the caves in the side of the mountain were probably for torture (I mean, we are in the middle east right?), and that pigeon house several meters away was for there old messaging service to neighboring villages. It's pretty awesome to just imagine a world you have no knowledge about just like you're 8 years old again playing in the backyard.
We also spent at least 10 minutes talking about how awesome it would be to have a time machine to be able to know what this place was like instead of relying on our ridiculous child-like assumptions. Or a device that would be like a real life rewind button where you could just hit a button and stand there watching how time has changed the land around you But I think my favorite part of our Friday day-trips are the stories Mohammad tells me about his father and how he came to know about the little hidden treasures of Jordan. How he and his father would go out driving together and discover the places then bring the rest of his siblings the next weekend. Maybe my favorite part of this particular adventure was the fact that when we drove up to the bagillion year old building, we're greeted by 4 old men just sitting around their pick up and how the old sheikh with the Jordanian keffeyeh around his head as the one key to the metal gate on the front of the 2,200 year old stones. As we were leaving 5 or 6 shabbab (young guys) were sitting at the exit as we were leaving just to see something different for once.
So, I've had some really amazing experiences here in Jordan the last month. I really love how this post originally was going to be purely about how I really think I want to go home this summer and stay there turned into me pouring out my heart about how much I love it here. This whole living abroad thing is an effin' roller coaster, man.
 |
| The gorgeous valley of Wadi Shitta |
I've gotten sick a few times in the last month, mostly due to the over exposure to children and the fact that I don't have the immunity of a Jordanian. Being sick in a foreign country without your family is really tough. It makes me pine for Minnesota like no other.
Aside from physical illness, I am learning that Jordanian's beauty is really hidden in its wadis and small farm villages. Mohammad has been the best tour guide showing me Wadi Shitta (Rain Valley) and Iraq Al-Amir. Both are breath taking places. But it should be noted that I felt something incredibly spiritual in Wadi Shitta. I asked around and heard that it was known for it's pottery in biblical times, perhaps some of the prophets stops through the area during their travels? Regardless, the feeling which overwhelmed my heart and soul paralleled to the spirituality I felt while living in Bethlehem in the summer of 2009.
 |
| Ancient palace in Iraq Al-Amir |
We also spent at least 10 minutes talking about how awesome it would be to have a time machine to be able to know what this place was like instead of relying on our ridiculous child-like assumptions. Or a device that would be like a real life rewind button where you could just hit a button and stand there watching how time has changed the land around you But I think my favorite part of our Friday day-trips are the stories Mohammad tells me about his father and how he came to know about the little hidden treasures of Jordan. How he and his father would go out driving together and discover the places then bring the rest of his siblings the next weekend. Maybe my favorite part of this particular adventure was the fact that when we drove up to the bagillion year old building, we're greeted by 4 old men just sitting around their pick up and how the old sheikh with the Jordanian keffeyeh around his head as the one key to the metal gate on the front of the 2,200 year old stones. As we were leaving 5 or 6 shabbab (young guys) were sitting at the exit as we were leaving just to see something different for once.
So, I've had some really amazing experiences here in Jordan the last month. I really love how this post originally was going to be purely about how I really think I want to go home this summer and stay there turned into me pouring out my heart about how much I love it here. This whole living abroad thing is an effin' roller coaster, man.
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