Overwhelmed. Prayer. Just Pray.

Overwhelmed. Coping by procrastination. Probably the worst idea ever.

I am sitting here in an unnamed food establishment on the 2nd floor just taking in the Minneapolis vibe of it all.  I couldn't feel more at home than in this spot. But at the same time I couldn't feel more far away from home.  It's the constant paradox of my life here in Amman that I just can't seem to shake.  Do I dive in it all and sign away my American life until June 23, 2011? Or do I allow my nerves to take the reins and buy a ticket back home?

Well let me step back for a moment and clarify - Minnesota is my physical home.  It was where I was born.  It is where my dad resides.  It is where most of my friends spend their evenings in various apartments watching baseball, Sex in the City and ET.  But where my heart calls home is a very different place.  It's a place where the olive tree's leaves shimmer in the light breeze and whisper stories of blood spilled on a land so holy that even the soul can be overwhelmed by its potency.  It's the place where the air is so sweet it tickles my nose and pours an unmeasurable amount of love and joy in my heart.  It's a place that no matter how much war, hate, destruction, and sadness is spread across all people, they are never hopeless.  It's the place where only the prophets have the words of God to describe it. I want to be there. I need that retreat.

Here I am, so close, yet so incredibly far away.  Stuck with avoiding my lesson plans because of the sheer fact that I'm too freaked out by my new responsibility of educating children.  Especially children in a culture I don't know yet how to function in.  I want to serve. Like, really serve. I want to stop talking about getting on that bandwagon. I want to find the time to do it - yet I know I must be patient.  I'm so fresh.  I haven't even had my time to settle and cope and understand.  But there is no time to waste right?

Ok, stop creating dichotomies. That is my conclusion for my overwhelmed little body, that's little heart is a little too fast. That's it. That's all I can do right now. Prayer. Just pray.