Monday, November 7, 2011

Definition of inspiration

Let's take a minute and define something that is the source of constant anxiety for most 20-something, career seeking, lack-luster humans.  Young adults seem to find themselves more and more lost the closer they get to a goal that once thought was so urgent to accomplish, but now may just seem lame.

in·spi·ra·tion (as Merriam-Webster defines it)

1 a : a divine influence or action on a person believed to qualify him or her to receive and communicate sacred revelation b : the action or power of moving the intellect or emotions c : the act of influencing or suggesting opinions
2 : the act of drawing in; specifically : the drawing of air into the lungs

That word is a lot bigger than I thought. Intellect. Drawing in. Emotions. Sacred. Influence. Ok, ok, I gotta break this down for a moment. Let's look at this on part that really caught my attention:
"2 : the act of drawing in; specifically : the drawing of air into the lungs"
You gotta draw in air to breathe, you gotta breathe to live, you got to be inspired to make it worth something. The act of inspiration allows your lungs to function. To do what they were made to do. So this brings me to think, am I ready to be inspired to do what I was made to do? Am I ready to do that "action or power of moving the intellect or emotion"? This comes full circle in my mind with my original dilemma of what the heck am I supposed to be doing here on Earth. What in the world is that action I should be doing or power I possess to move intellect? INTELLECT! How am I supposed to influence moving my intellect, others' intellect, a community's intellect?

I think the answer is that I'm not supposed to know. I'm not supposed to go out and just starting influencing people's attitudes, actions, thoughts or feelings. That's what crazy cult people do. Schemers.  Living in this world is not about that. It's about building a global community larger than one's self, yet as personable as one's block, apartment building, or classroom. I think just being a smiling face in the sky way, bus or sidewalk does a lot more for the world than tweeting, listening to hip-hop, or protesting for social change.

I know that I get caught up in the urgency of it all. I'm only 24 years old, but I feel immense pressure to have a career started, a plan laid out, a potential husband and a savings account. Although I would love to have all of those things, that just isn't in the cards for me right now.  The most confusing of it all  is that I don't know where in the world is that pressure coming from? Me? Culture? Family? It may be different for everyone, but amongst most of my friends my age, I hear this a lot. It's not usually to get married, but all my girlfriends feel like they should be in a relationship and if they aren't, they are apparently some old hag. If I live at home without a full-time job (regardless of my efforts to try to get accepted to a Masters program), I am labeled as a useless citizen that is just plain lazy. It's a lot to process.

So, where is my inspiration? What is assisting me to draw in air? What is moving my intellect and emotions? Although, most days I'm totally clueless as to the answers of these questions, I'm sure that prayer would be a productive way to find out. Although, most of the time I turn to hip-hop and find the lyrics to be the anthem of my day. This one has proven to be a reoccurring favorite of my days for many reasons. But mostly it makes me feel as if I could achieve something no matter how mediocre I feel.


Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Winter? You can go knock on someone else's door!

The sun is shining! Finally, the first sunshine I've seen in the last 36 hours and it brings me utter joy. Such a simple pleasure like the sun sometimes gets forgotten as the temperatures drop. Yet, I know that every Minnesotan out there does not take it for granted. We wait those six months of winter to melt away just to show us what beauty truly means. The green grass, warm lake shore sand, tall thick trees and moist summer air are all truly heavenly.

Today's high temperature was just about the lowest temperature I had to face last winter in Jordan. I can tell you right now that I am not looking forward to the frozen tundra, ass-freezing temperatures, and mountains of parking lot snow that will be coming this winter. The lack of sunlight and even further lack of vitamin D will probably break me down even further than the constant stress I had to endure of continous culture shock. But let's hope I built up some strength over the last year.

I think that with all the lessons I have learned, all the coping mechanisms I have developed and all the good hearted family and friends near me, that this winter will not even phase me. I am ready to take this God given challenge head on. 100%. No failing, hopefully minimal "learning" in respects to slipping up and maximum learning in respects to effing conquering it all!

So here's to encouraging one another and loving all those who cross your path!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

It's been one year and...

I feel as if nothing has changed. My life is just like a set of revolving doors that hate to be the ones the harsh winds and weather of the outside. Ever turning to get to sit in the warmth and light of the decorated interior of some over rated venue. Instead of it being some elegant department store or decedent restaurant, I'm talking about my heart and soul.

One year ago today I began this blog with the hopes it would somehow guide me through a journey I knew words would never suffice to describe. Although I would simply call it "word puke", others may argue it's public therapy to an unknown audience. I honestly see it as mostly whining. But it has done something to help me understand who I am including my faults, failures and sometimes bold strengths. I understand what it means to live a bit better and I really do mean only a smudge more of comprehension. And if nothing else, it has helped me to vastly improve my writing.

Yet, as I write this post the only thing on my mind is the tangling, frustrating bundle of emotions stuck in my chest that I wish someone could just rip out and toss away. I had to tell a dear, wonderful, close friend that we should sever ties. It was someone who helped me through the toughest times I ever had; most of which are described on this blog. It was a "make good choices" sort of decision. Something that if my heart had to decide, it would have chose something very different. Near nothing can rid this feeling and most certainly I am being incredibly too dramatic about it. But this is my character, this is what I do. I dwell. If there was a Nobel Prize in dwelling I'd be nominated and presented with the honor ten times over again.

So, although I know it's time to turn a page and make this blog into a more encouraging and empowering environment, today just can't be that day. Allow me to pledge that tomorrow is the beginning of my second year of vocab vomit. This one will be one that sees the sunnier side of this thing we call life and what I like to call "learning".

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Blown away

This is something that blew me away. The talent of expression here is priceless, moving, intense. I want to be able to express myself in an art like this one day. It would be so incredibly empowering to express all this messed up spaghetti of my life encapsulated in my mind. I WANT THIS.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


This is what a good weekend looks like.

With a dash of hip-hop.

I big up Grieves and Budo a lot, but serious talent here.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Deeds not words

So the other day a dear friend shared the following quote with his friends on Facebook. I have pretty much been thinking about it everyday since and decided to not only share it with you readers, but act upon it.  I won't just stop at trying to show my love through actions and not words, but I think those people in my life that no matter how much I try to pass by or give them a rain-check on a slip-up -they just gotta go.

" through deeds and not through the tongue; for the latter hath no importance, as the majority of men are, in speech, well-wishers, while action is the best."

I think ultimately that this needs to be everyone's turn to advice. I can't handle wishy-washy people, flaky intentions, and words so full of plumped up false intention. It makes me want to puke just thinking about it. I just can't trust people's words any longer. They turned a gift, such as language, that is so incredibly beautiful into rotting garbage. And guess what? I'm a person, so I'm included in those "people". Ick. Time to turn the page.

 I am determined to make my life a polished mirror one step at a time. I am sick of trudging through the mud of gross substandard goo and mediocre accomplishments.  I know that graduate school is not an easy task and it's going to take a good eight months of staying where I'm at (which in my hard-headed, independent mindset seems like the most difficult thing to bear) just to know that I won't just be in some weird transition any longer.

Damn Middle East threw me for an effin' loop and here I am thinking I was probably the most foolish person on the Earth to think it was any way, shape, or form of a good idea.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Paint something

How ironic is it for a person wearing athletic gear to be a smoking a cigarette? It's probably horrible to combat stress with nicotine, but this whole mediation, prayer, and being as straight-laced as possible just seems a lot more difficult. I can publicly admit that I am not as glossy as I present myself at times. At the same time, I don't think that's a bad thing.  Part of striving is faking it until you make it. It's owning up to the words that leak out of one's mouth, it's full fledged effort into acting like you wish you could. No human is perfect and honestly lately striving for perfection just isn't real... especially if no one really is perfect. So why do we do it? Why do we set ourselves up to fail? Encouraging words at this moment would be helpful... got any?

I just think that imaginary and understanding what that imagery really represents is important. It could just be some big facade with nothing beneath the surface. When I listen to artists that have the most powerful lyrics, I seriously consider that the inspiration could have been something completely different than what is presented. I mean, they are all just trying to make it right? It would be a luxury to just lose yourself in your experience for a full four minutes of those rolling beats, silky words, and journey through all that you are. You can discover yourself through the language that has been given to us. Pick and choose each one of those words carefully, make it as strong and vibrant as possible. Paint with your vocabulary.

Paint your city with feeling that we all can learn from.  Make the community just a tad bit better. Work within a cause that fits closely with your soul.  Exert a little more strength into your day then you thought you wanted to, expand your knowledge at least 1%, get to know that one person you thought would be cool to hang out with, just try a little more. STRIVE.