Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Blown away

This is something that blew me away. The talent of expression here is priceless, moving, intense. I want to be able to express myself in an art like this one day. It would be so incredibly empowering to express all this messed up spaghetti of my life encapsulated in my mind. I WANT THIS.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


This is what a good weekend looks like.

With a dash of hip-hop.

I big up Grieves and Budo a lot, but serious talent here.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Deeds not words

So the other day a dear friend shared the following quote with his friends on Facebook. I have pretty much been thinking about it everyday since and decided to not only share it with you readers, but act upon it.  I won't just stop at trying to show my love through actions and not words, but I think those people in my life that no matter how much I try to pass by or give them a rain-check on a slip-up -they just gotta go.

" through deeds and not through the tongue; for the latter hath no importance, as the majority of men are, in speech, well-wishers, while action is the best."

I think ultimately that this needs to be everyone's turn to advice. I can't handle wishy-washy people, flaky intentions, and words so full of plumped up false intention. It makes me want to puke just thinking about it. I just can't trust people's words any longer. They turned a gift, such as language, that is so incredibly beautiful into rotting garbage. And guess what? I'm a person, so I'm included in those "people". Ick. Time to turn the page.

 I am determined to make my life a polished mirror one step at a time. I am sick of trudging through the mud of gross substandard goo and mediocre accomplishments.  I know that graduate school is not an easy task and it's going to take a good eight months of staying where I'm at (which in my hard-headed, independent mindset seems like the most difficult thing to bear) just to know that I won't just be in some weird transition any longer.

Damn Middle East threw me for an effin' loop and here I am thinking I was probably the most foolish person on the Earth to think it was any way, shape, or form of a good idea.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Paint something

How ironic is it for a person wearing athletic gear to be a smoking a cigarette? It's probably horrible to combat stress with nicotine, but this whole mediation, prayer, and being as straight-laced as possible just seems a lot more difficult. I can publicly admit that I am not as glossy as I present myself at times. At the same time, I don't think that's a bad thing.  Part of striving is faking it until you make it. It's owning up to the words that leak out of one's mouth, it's full fledged effort into acting like you wish you could. No human is perfect and honestly lately striving for perfection just isn't real... especially if no one really is perfect. So why do we do it? Why do we set ourselves up to fail? Encouraging words at this moment would be helpful... got any?

I just think that imaginary and understanding what that imagery really represents is important. It could just be some big facade with nothing beneath the surface. When I listen to artists that have the most powerful lyrics, I seriously consider that the inspiration could have been something completely different than what is presented. I mean, they are all just trying to make it right? It would be a luxury to just lose yourself in your experience for a full four minutes of those rolling beats, silky words, and journey through all that you are. You can discover yourself through the language that has been given to us. Pick and choose each one of those words carefully, make it as strong and vibrant as possible. Paint with your vocabulary.

Paint your city with feeling that we all can learn from.  Make the community just a tad bit better. Work within a cause that fits closely with your soul.  Exert a little more strength into your day then you thought you wanted to, expand your knowledge at least 1%, get to know that one person you thought would be cool to hang out with, just try a little more. STRIVE.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Summary of Summer

I came to Minnesota in the last few days of June with the idea that the next 7 weeks was going to be a vacation. A time to reunite with friends, family, and spiritual siblings. I was joyful, happy, and optimistic.  I soaked up but every bit of sun my sad white skin could absorb.  My shoulders and calves bronzed in the light of freedom and shined with emancipation every time I lathered that creamy white sunscreen on them.  It was only four short weeks until my heart started to whimper in the anticipation of my return to Jordan.  It would remind me every morning that I would never be able to do any of my daily routine in Amman.  I wouldn't be able to drive the little timid bimmer to my friend's uptown apartment or have a mixed gathering in my home to share silly stories of our day. I would think about my night owl nature and how I would have to spend most of the twilight hours alone in my apartment. I had to make a decision.

That decision was extremely hard to express to the one I was attached to.  It didn't matter that deep down inside, I knew it wasn't my decision to make.  My soul, heart, and mind had already settled the score long before my consciousness even thought about expressing it to someone else.  There was no way any discussion or argument was going to make a difference on what was already cemented in my being.  The journey from that point was the most difficult I have ever been through. Aside from when my mom left to Jordan when I was 13 and when my parents divorced in 2nd grade, this last month has torn me, broken every emotional bone in my body and held my head under water for far too long.  But it also has given me the unbelievable strength to build myself back up. Build myself to understand that I have worth; the priceless lesson that I don't have to be dependent on a relationship to understand emotional support or love.  I can seek that from my own spirit, God, and true friends that stick by my side like a sister. It's true when they say, "brotherhood is not bound by blood".  But I'm not out of the thick of it, new tests are already pelting me.

It's time I come to terms with the fact that for some time I will have a lack of consistency and structure in my life.  Being unemployed has opened my eyes, mind, and soul to a place that is so uncertain to the point that I find my myself under constant anxiety.  It's scary to not have a time you have to be somewhere or leave your bed in the morning. It's also a bit terrifying that my only accountability is my own.  To say that I am learning about who I am is an understatement.  This is uncharted territory of Sara Ann and it's so out there that if one gets lost, good luck finding anyway to call for rescue - it will be a lost cause. There is no failing, only persevering. So here I go... persevering.