Summary of Summer

I came to Minnesota in the last few days of June with the idea that the next 7 weeks was going to be a vacation. A time to reunite with friends, family, and spiritual siblings. I was joyful, happy, and optimistic.  I soaked up but every bit of sun my sad white skin could absorb.  My shoulders and calves bronzed in the light of freedom and shined with emancipation every time I lathered that creamy white sunscreen on them.  It was only four short weeks until my heart started to whimper in the anticipation of my return to Jordan.  It would remind me every morning that I would never be able to do any of my daily routine in Amman.  I wouldn't be able to drive the little timid bimmer to my friend's uptown apartment or have a mixed gathering in my home to share silly stories of our day. I would think about my night owl nature and how I would have to spend most of the twilight hours alone in my apartment. I had to make a decision.

That decision was extremely hard to express to the one I was attached to.  It didn't matter that deep down inside, I knew it wasn't my decision to make.  My soul, heart, and mind had already settled the score long before my consciousness even thought about expressing it to someone else.  There was no way any discussion or argument was going to make a difference on what was already cemented in my being.  The journey from that point was the most difficult I have ever been through. Aside from when my mom left to Jordan when I was 13 and when my parents divorced in 2nd grade, this last month has torn me, broken every emotional bone in my body and held my head under water for far too long.  But it also has given me the unbelievable strength to build myself back up. Build myself to understand that I have worth; the priceless lesson that I don't have to be dependent on a relationship to understand emotional support or love.  I can seek that from my own spirit, God, and true friends that stick by my side like a sister. It's true when they say, "brotherhood is not bound by blood".  But I'm not out of the thick of it, new tests are already pelting me.

It's time I come to terms with the fact that for some time I will have a lack of consistency and structure in my life.  Being unemployed has opened my eyes, mind, and soul to a place that is so uncertain to the point that I find my myself under constant anxiety.  It's scary to not have a time you have to be somewhere or leave your bed in the morning. It's also a bit terrifying that my only accountability is my own.  To say that I am learning about who I am is an understatement.  This is uncharted territory of Sara Ann and it's so out there that if one gets lost, good luck finding anyway to call for rescue - it will be a lost cause. There is no failing, only persevering. So here I go... persevering.