Facilities

Why does the UN Security Council meeting chambers look like it's been untouched since 1952?  Shouldn't we get on top of LED projectors and touch screen monitors? Look at those blue chairs! I mean at least give em adjustable chairs, you know those people hate those chairs. Maybe that's what leads to some questionable decisions over the years? The fact that they are discussing in some post-nuclear underground facility without daylight could make for a few mistakes over the years.

I know that a work environment matters greatly to me.  A great aesthetically pleasing and functional workroom can make an individual more productive and happier.  And goodness do I know that my body looooooves me some sunshine!  I once worked in as hotel service agent answering phones in a room without windows and believe you me, I didn't last very long. It ended with me in tears and undeniably stressed out from the lack of human contact.

So my question is: how do you think you'd feel trying to make super duper important UN security decisions in this room?

Medicine

Regardless of all that other business, may I please recommend some talented souls? The 4onthefloor.

Too many questions.

Why did I ever effin' leave my country?  Why did I put myself in this damn position?  Why do I continue to ask questions when really I have no answers to even begin to help myself?  I really feel like giving up today.  I'm not asking for your pity or your sympathy, I'm just pouring out all this garbage inside me that I simply can no longer deal with.  Broken friendships aren't easy to deal with, but sometimes that's just the way it's got to be. There are just too many things to name that aren't good right now. I'm looking for a job, but the only lead I got takes me out of my city. Relocation just seems like a lot right now, although I know I got the guts to do it.

This post is like word vomit all over a digital page.  Gross, I feel like I could just puke anyway. Music usually helps and it's doing nothing for me right now. I can't do this heart on my sleeve thing much longer, I'm just gonna end up turning into this bitter-hearted woman with permanent scar tissue around that thing which remotely resembles a soul. I really don't need to push all of the brightness away and that mirror in my spiritual being could use some polishing. Probably better idea to just start praying rather than blogging.

Walls | eL Seed

Most amazing art I've seen in a long time.

"Palestine"

"Tradition and Modernity"

Walls | eL Seed

Can you lie to yourself?

Once again life has decided to yank on the reigns and say, "Hey! Look! You're being out of control and this needs to stop. Also, stop being an idiot and start taking care of yourself!"  I just wish I would have listened when the gentle polite pulling started in March.  Instead, I ignored it all and just tried to convince myself that I would be ok. Yes, yes we all know hindsight is 20/20.  But the consequences are effin' hurtful sometimes.

Lesson learned: BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH YOURSELF FROM THE ONSET.

I have the awful habit of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I trust too easily, I am all in or nothing at all... but rarely is it nothing at all.  I don't play games, I am real from the beginning.  I see myself just flipping the pages constantly, it's a vicious cycle.  Reliance on God should truly be what I am striving for, not acceptance or love.  Service to Him and humanity should be in the forefront of my mind.  Yet, I know that I can't be of service if I am dealing with all these other issues.  Sometimes, you just gotta figure out the drama and understand your own priorities and beliefs before you go out and help other people.  A wise lady once told me that sometimes women get the mother syndrome, we just want to help others and make sure everyone is cared for, but we got to remember to put that oxygen mask on ourselves before we help others.

It's about the journey sometimes and that means that it's all about the learning.  It's good to remind oneself that every single day.  Take it day by day.  Love for the sake of love and not oneself.  The ego should become smaller and fade each day.  It's about accountability. It's about time to grow.

What is love?

How can one know when they are beating a dead horse?  Probably once you notice that stiff attitude of self hate and exhausting expression of pain on your own face. Those are the tell tale signs of heart break and honesty.  I'm notorious for just running away when life gets rough, a unwanted trait inherited through a life experience that wasn't always the most confronting. Maybe that's why I'm so in love with The Civil Wars and their sad melodies along with the adorable southern tinge.  It seems better to drown oneself in piano, guitar and sullen voices than to actually face the reality of life.  None the less, as soon as that iPod is turned off and I step out of my little 1991 bimmer into the sunlight of the speeding life of materialism, relationships, and blinding realism, I understand that I can't just walk this path alone. Yes, my happiness matters, but not as much as my faith.  If my faith is suffering, it is my eternal soul which suffers most, not my self.  The self is so insignificant.  I want my soul to rejoice and be happy and if that means I gotta stay in my home, then I gotta stay.  But that said, I really don't need to break hearts along the way.

Sometimes one falls into love fast and hard only to understand later that it wasn't the best way of doing things.  Love does hurt and it's not easy.  It takes lots of time and energy and isn't contained in some box hidden instead your body.  It's a spiritual quality that is limitless.  It is something that is not attached to anyone or anything.  It's nothing that can be describe except as a quality of God. Man can attempt to understand it, but will always fall short.  It takes an everlasting striving endeavor to attain the true quality of love.  And if I can just continue on that path with a striving attitude and a posture of learning, I hope that those hardships I encounter better the lives of those involved rather than damage them.  That's my only prayer tonight.