Can you lie to yourself?

Once again life has decided to yank on the reigns and say, "Hey! Look! You're being out of control and this needs to stop. Also, stop being an idiot and start taking care of yourself!"  I just wish I would have listened when the gentle polite pulling started in March.  Instead, I ignored it all and just tried to convince myself that I would be ok. Yes, yes we all know hindsight is 20/20.  But the consequences are effin' hurtful sometimes.

Lesson learned: BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH YOURSELF FROM THE ONSET.

I have the awful habit of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I trust too easily, I am all in or nothing at all... but rarely is it nothing at all.  I don't play games, I am real from the beginning.  I see myself just flipping the pages constantly, it's a vicious cycle.  Reliance on God should truly be what I am striving for, not acceptance or love.  Service to Him and humanity should be in the forefront of my mind.  Yet, I know that I can't be of service if I am dealing with all these other issues.  Sometimes, you just gotta figure out the drama and understand your own priorities and beliefs before you go out and help other people.  A wise lady once told me that sometimes women get the mother syndrome, we just want to help others and make sure everyone is cared for, but we got to remember to put that oxygen mask on ourselves before we help others.

It's about the journey sometimes and that means that it's all about the learning.  It's good to remind oneself that every single day.  Take it day by day.  Love for the sake of love and not oneself.  The ego should become smaller and fade each day.  It's about accountability. It's about time to grow.