Am I inadequate? Probs. Or maybe not at all... we were all made with the ability to do literally anything and everything we need to do. The universe is folded up inside my soul right? Yep... why abase myself? Because sometimes on cloudy rainy days when your stomach makes weird noises, a person tends to be a Debby Downer.
Can't love just leave me alone for a minute? I'm young, impressionable, and lonely. I feel like Jordanian culture pushed me into a trap of longing for a relationship, which makes for innocent victims and broken hearts. When there are people in your life you can see yourself building a family with, a life, happiness you don't want to just pass by, but at the same time you don't want to try and build that when you aren't ready for it. I don't know where I will be in on January 1st, 2012. How can I plan that with someone? I don't even know where I'll be next summer - I hope it's home. I hope it's also filled with a sense of purpose and accomplishment, but I can't say that I feel very accomplished now.
I'm supposed to be here and active in service and instead I'm inactive in everything accept trying to learn how to be a 50 five and six year olds' teacher. Which really, I'm so blessed to even have the chance to do! I want to be a teacher and a path has opened that has enabled me to do it... what more could I ask for? The stress and everything else is difficult, yeah, but just the chance to educate little ones makes me so full of joy. It makes all the other stupid mistakes seem meaningless.
I have decided that determination means a lot and steadfastness means even more. These tests and challenges are such blessings and provoke so much learning. Alhamdulillah! I am so blessed. I just now ask for a little more guidance and support so I can turn these tests into a path of service and prayerful action.